Day Two or How To Not Be A Lesbian

I woke up Friday morning, free of any unwanted itching, but tired as a dog from the street noise. That was okay. I'd rather have bags under my eyes than fleas. We got ready and walked over to the hotel, dodging the beggar that shouted obscenities to those who did not give him money. Jenny and I were honky bitches. I love the big city. We were a little early for breakfast, but that gave us time to stand in line for our bags.

Why would we stand in line for canvas bags? Because they were crammed with free stuff, of course. We also cruised through the exhibitor displays. There was a plethora of free goodies to be had, the most coveted being the Leapfrog water bottles (Sigg-style metal flasks) and the European chocolates. We were hungry, but there was swag to be had, so breakfast would have to wait.

When we did manage to grab breakfast, it was Continental fare. Danishes, croissants, muffins and melon. All delicious, but not exactly filling. That might have been because I was so busy talking, I could scarcely finish a piece of melon. Oh well. We listened to the opening speeches, then adjourned to the first workshops of the day.

I've been typing descriptions of the workshops for a half-hour now and so far, I'm at a loss to make them funny or even vaguely exciting, so I'll tell you I attended Blogging Basics, Content Syndication and Promotion and ditched the last session. I KNOW! I'm such a delinquent. I was suffering from information overload and the room it was in was so hot, I could barely stand it! My second session had been in that room and I swear, my brain had short-circuited from the sweat. I met some lovely people during the day though:

* Scribbit is an Alaska- based blogger who schooled me on optimizing the Blogger platform. Don't I sound like an official blogger now?

* Foodista is a Seattle based food blogger with a nicely done site. Great pictures, exotic but doable recipes and none of the smarmy patter that tends to infect these sites.

* Gone Feral I didn't get to talk to her as much as I would have liked and I looked for her during the conference, but it turns out she was crashing, so that explains it. She is completely, awesomely cool and after reading several of her posts, I am in love. She rocks.

Friday night's booze-fest was at Ruby Sky, which barely tolerated the presence of so many middle-aged women. We were nodded in by a bored bouncer, given two drink tickets and deafened with some ridiculous house track. I could have ignored the ginormous screens showing snippets from Saving Grace and The Closer, but playing one song all night long? And not even a good one. Just some techno crap that gave everyone a headache. The bartenders stopped honoring drink tickets at a few minutes before 10, hoping, I'm sure, we'd vacate the premises so they could bring in the beautiful people. Thankfully, I'd already had three drinks, including a concoction Jenny called A Dirty Girl Scout. This might explain the actions that followed.

A handful of us were flipping the (figurative) bird at Ruby Sky's staff and standing around talking. We were all relatively drunk and impervious to the dirty looks from the bartenders. (HA! Suck It, Ruby Sky!) I was talking to a lovely young woman from Virginia named Katie and another from Philly named Jessica. We all exchanged cards and as I looked down, I realized that Jessica's card read J.D. Bauchery and featured the tag line, I *heart* girl porn.

Holy Shit, I was talking to a lesbian porn purveyor! My little heart began to sing.

She was a doll and a bit taken aback to find herself chatting with a mommy blogger from Sac. I kindly pointed out that mommies have sex too. It's how we apply for the position in most cases. She then introduced me to her platonic friend, FiveStar. This girl was darling. So, so cute, I might have cheated on my husband, had she winked in my direction. Gone Feral described her as reminiscent of an "Outsiders-era Ralph Macchio," and I've always had a little thing for Ralph. She was far more interested in Jenny though, so sad. Jenny, being Jenny, was oblivious.

FiveStar decided we all needed to visit a lesbian bar. We were drunk, so off we trundled into two taxis and took off for Lexington and Mission.

Understand that this is my first experience in a lesbian bar. I've been to the local gay bar here a few times and had a blast. Good music, friendly people, gorgeous bartenders and the freedom to dance without being solicited. It's awesome. I knew this wouldn't be the same, but I was not expecting what I got.

What did I get? I got a dark, dirty, cramped shack filled with hostile women eyeing my group with suspicion. The music was hard to determine from all the chatter and getting a drink was nearly impossible. We stayed for a few minutes, getting roughly jostled by passing women (is this a lesbian mating ritual?) and worse, the twins were on magnificent display and no one hit on me. Perhaps big boobs do not count on fat chicks, as my brother so eloquently put it. God damn it, I am losing a good 60 pounds and marching back there. I dare those women to not be awed by the magnificence of my bosom! Jealous bitches.

Ooooh sorry. Was that out loud? That being said, I enjoyed talking to Jessica and FiveStar quite a bit. They were intelligent, irreverent women and I can never get enough of those.

After a bit, I looked over at Katie, La Petite Chic from Virginia and saw her deer in the headlights look. Maybe because someones hand was on her ass, I don't know. I made my way over and asked if she was ready. She quickly said yes and I collected Jennie. We found a cab and dissected the experience a bit, before Raven regaled us with tales of Drag Bars and New Orleans. She was a colorful character, that Raven. She, herself, was not a drag queen, understand. She just has a lot of knowledge about them. I did not hear how she came by this info. I was chatting with the elderly cabbie. That's how I roll.

So there you have it. My adventures in a lesbian bar. I hope you were just as disappointed as I was. I'm sticking the gay bars from now on. WAY more fun.