He's Just Not That Into You

Warning: If you loved this movie, don't read this post. If you object to strong language, don't read this post. If you belong to the Scarlett Johanssen fan club, don't read this post. I'm pissed and it shows.

I don't know why I wanted to watch this movie. Maybe because I really like Ginnifer Goodwin. Maybe because I like the title message. I have no idea. But I threw away too many minutes of my life watching this ridiculous commentary on relationships and now I want my time back. It would have been better spent playing Farm Town or Farkle.

Seems to me that the premise of this movie is as follows: women want men so badly, they manufacture relationships and lie to themselves about male behavior, just so their fragile little minds can exist in this world without spontaneously combusting. Ugh. Leaving aside the fact that all of the woman and gay men are skinny and gorgeous (except, of course, the "real person" commentaries that divide the scenes.), the characters are completely cringe-worthy.

You know I was tossing off obscenities every single time the slutty Scarlett Johanssen character came on. Yes the guy was a prick, a nasty little herpes prick with an extra large side of genital cheese, but I was floored when she just went after him, deliberately trying to seduce him. Women do that? Of course they do. If anyone should know that, I should. HELLO??? But yuck. Not to mention leading on a separate schmuck. I was wanting to sit on that bitch and leave a greasy spot on the pavement.

Just a side note: I've never understood when a wronged wife blames the other woman. Your husband is the one who made the vows. She owes you nothing. That being said, women who pursue married men? Skanks.

Let's talk about the wife. Yes, I spent the whole movie relating to her so painfully, it felt as if I were reliving the very lowest parts of my first marriage all over again. Believing the lies, knowing them for what they are, but waiting for proof. He wants to leave her, but he doesn't have the balls to initiate it. Grow a pair, fucktard. Don't confess to infidelity and hope she'll end the marriage. The fact that finding the cigarettes pushed her over the edge? I totally get that. If my ex had been a better man, I might have been able to forgive a single affair. I really liked the resolution there, her note on the carton of cigarettes. I looked at Mr. Clairol and promised him, "You know that giant mirror she broke? I would have broken it over your head."

His reply? "I know."

The "married-except-for-the-technicality" couple cracked me up. He spends seven years not marrying her, and then, as he is moving back in, he proposes? WTF? I thought the entire point of this movie was that this does NOT happen. He won! I wanted her to say, "No. I agree with you. I don't believe in marriage either." Too cutsie-wootsie, all perfect and movie-ish. Note to filmmakers: I am female, not terminally stupid.

Liked the whole Drew bit, but there wasn't enough of that. And her rant about getting rejected by seven different technologies? Genius. She felt real. Of all the women, she was the only character who felt a little bit real. Why did she have to wind up with the Ho-bag's reject boy? Yes, it was a cute little tie-up for the loose threads, but she deserved better.

Now, on to my main complaint: pathetic girl catches the eye of Mr. Cassanova and he tries to help her by shredding her illusions. After misinterpreting his interest in her, she goes on to another guy and then the playboy falls in love with her. Again, wasn't the point of the book and movie supposed to be that this doesn't happen? Justin Long is skeevy. I don't like him. And I really didn't like the character. I've met these guys in real life. They aren't helpful, they are jerks. Yes, the truth hurts, but you know what? So does my foot in your nutsac. Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot, even if I'm acting like one, you greasy little luv-ah man.

I didn't like this movie. It pissed me off. That's what I get for watching a chick-flick. Next time, I'm sticking to the action film. Preferably one with a bare-ass Hugh Jackman.