In Which I Alienate A Bunch Of People

Let's talk about the "Mommy Wars" for a minute. They've made a resurgence in the blogosphere and now CNN is starting to take shots at Mommy bloggers. When did mothers become everyone's favorite whipping boy? Isn't that what we have Christians for? No, wait; I'm one of those too. Damn. But why are we still talking about this? What's with the nursing of grudges?

Listen, I get it. It feels like a slap when a stay-at-home mother says she wants to do what's best for her kids, because there is an implication that the working mother doesn't. It feels like a dig when the working mother says she'd be so bored and she needs more stimulation because there is an implication that the stay-at-home mother is not as intellectual or ambitious. We're all moms. We all care about our kids. So why is this even an issue? I don't know. But I do know that heightened sensitivity and eliminating certain phrases from the lexicon isn't the answer. The answer, in my humble opinion is this:

Get the Hell Over Yourself.

Yes, you heard me. You feel judged and devalued by other mothers? Give 'em the finger and get on with your life. Are you doing what is best for your family? Then you need to quit looking to others for validation. No one can give you that. It's nice when others appreciate what we do, but that isn't why we do it. As mothers we are in for the long haul, ladies. This isn't a move up the ladder sort of gig. It's overtime, no raises, an all-encompassing and ever-evolving job description. It's also hugs and tickles, giggles and the occasional, precious, thank-you. But you knew that. We all know it.

I think a lot of the hurtful things that are said do not stem from hurtful intentions. It seems to me that some comments wind up being filtered through our own self-doubt and perception of self. It colors what was said and brings out nuances that weren’t in the speakers mind. Then again, you do get the occasional ass-hat who thinks condescension is a viable form of communication. But in either case, why tie yourself in a knot about it? If you’re sure about your path, don’t stall out fretting about the garbage that litters the side.

It shouldn’t matter that you are perceiving judgment, condescension, disapproval, whatever, from the outside world. Because in the end, the opinions of others only have the weight you give them. Do these people know you? Were they privy to your internal debate when you made your decisions? Probably not. Most of the mothers out there don’t know me from Eve. They don’t know my kids, my husband, and they’ve certainly not had a front row seat to our lives. Their opinions are uninformed and therefore, irrelevant. An irrelevant opinion cannot wound unless you let it. Don’t let it.

If you're lucky, you have a partner who helps and appreciates what you're doing as a mother, be it the working or SAHM variety. And hopefully, you've put a lot of thought into your choice and made the one that works for your family. So screw the other mothers, the media and society at large. It's okay if they don't get it. Their approval isn't necessary for our job. It never was. They will continue to analyze and debate, to bicker and snipe, but make no mistake; you get to choose if that matters to you.

I choose no. It will not matter to me. The working mothers I know do not judge me for my decisions, just like they know I don't judge them. But the world at large? Say what you want. I don't give a flying fart. I'm doing what I'm doing because it was what I wanted to do and it made sense for our family. I know what I do is a real job, even if society doesn't acknowledge that. I don't need approval from anyone but my spouse. I choose to ignore the media coverage. I choose to ignore the snipes of other people. I choose confidence in my decisions and my plans.

And if you don't like it, you can suck it.