A New Blog Find, An Obscure Fact And A Revealing Look At My Family.

One of my new favorite blogs is a charming and hilarious find called eggton. Like another favorite, Vanilla Garlic, she weaves stories and food beautifully, feeding my mind and my tummy. While reading her archives and snorting into my coffee, I came across this little gem which reminded me of a story I've probably never told you. Aren't you the lucky little dumplings?

Years ago, when I was in high school and too young to be amused by the fact, my aunt had a pygmy goat named Horny. Horny had a pierced ear, painted hooves and a penchant for cruelty. He was a spoiled little shit who would stick his head in the doggie door and bleat until he got a waffle with peanut butter for breakfast. His favorite pastime was waiting until you were halfway between the car and house, then charging and hooking your leg with his horn. Charming pet, yes?

My crotchety, ill-tempered grandfather and this goat had a love affair that boggles the mind. Perhaps their similar dispositions called to each other? I don't know, but while my aunt owned the goat's body, Grandpa had his heart.

One day, my aunt left a bag of oranges on the back porch. Did you know that citrus is an intoxicant for goats? Like alcohol, a little is fine but a lot is a hell of a good time. Horny ate every orange and the plastic netting they came in. He staggered around the yard, piteous and bleating for his nanny, much to our amusement. My grandfather was distraught, sure that Horny had been poisoned. As the goat fell over and waved it's hooves in the air, I'm pretty sure I saw a tear on the old man's cheek but that could have been the tears of laughter from the rest of us, who knows?

Whenever I think about that episode, I am always tempted to sneak a few tangerines over to my brother's house, so as to inebriate a few of his fainting goats. Yes, my brother has a herd of fainting goats and they are as awesome as they sound. I wouldn't lie to you about that. One loud noise and over they go, lying on their sides, stiff as hairy boards. I'm thinking they would make awesome drunks.

Then again, I'm probably going to hell and I'm pretty sure Horny is there, waiting for me.