Shut Up And Give Me A Euphemism For Penis

This writing shit is harder than it looks, guys. I got questions, many of them so dumb-ass I could score a place on Jersey Shore. You know, if I dropped a hundred pounds and spray tanned myself into marmalade. But really. How long is too long?

Insert erection joke here.

If I keep going at this rate, my manuscript is going to be a solid 400 pages. No joke. I keep reading though, finding things that need exposition, dialogue that needs expanding, situations that need to be inserted. And as I work, I'm haunted by the suspicion that the writing is indeed crap. Harlequin quality crap. Not something for my grandmother to brag about. In fact, I probably should just shut up and never tell anyone what I'm actually doing.

As with all areas in my life, it would be easier if I just didn't talk about it. People know I'm writing. They don't know my main project is a trashy romance novel with enough sex to satisfy a prisoner serving 6-10. I love romance and have no problem admitting that I read it. But writing it?

Hi, I have an incredibly dirty mind and want to earn some money with it. Unfortunately, my voice is too squeaky for phone sex.

So what should my pen name be?